Friday, October 20, 2006

Church Vocabulary

1. Anointing
Used to describe any non-regular emotion (crying in the middle of a song when you forget the words, telling the church off (particularly when its over tithes and offering), doing the Olympic shout around the church (first one that hits the wall gets a white
hanky tied around their neck!)

2. Trick of the Enemy
Used to describe anything that happens because you didn't do what you were supposed to, like your car getting repossessed cause you didn't pay the note, lights getting shut off cause you quit work to go on tour with the pastors choir, or your child repeating the first grade cause he missed the whole second semester to go on a 90 day/90 night fast and consecration. *Of course, we know there is grace*

3. Rhema Word
Any message from an out-of-town pastor or evangelist.

4. Prophetic Word
Same message from that out-of-town pastor, delivered 5 decibels louder, while the congregation is standing. Quiet organ music optional, but works better with silence.

5. Carnal:
Used to describe a saint who goes to the movies. This term doesn't apply if you rent the same movie from Blockbuster.

6. Didn't God Move?
What saints say after a long service where the pastor doesn't preach and they just shout the whole service.

7. Unlock Your Blessing
What preachers say after they've finished preaching, and they say you must give $50 to "unlock your blessing." For a more dramatic effect, this offering can be started at $1,000 and worked down to $25.

8. He'll Do It If You Let Him
(followed by inaudible tongues): Round one of shouting; will begin in 5 minutes. Organist get ready.

9. We Got To Move On
What the preacher says when he wants shout time to start up again. Organist, pumps up the volume on the Leslie.

10. We Have Time for One More Testimony
Not really, we're just waiting on the pastor to come into service. If you're called on during this one, when you hear clapping, just stop talking, cause the pastor has walked in and people are no longer interested in what God did for you.

11. We Can Never Pay for the Word
Get your checkbook out, the auction will begin momentarily! This phrase always comes before the offering is taken for the guest speaker.

12. God Has Been Dealing with Me on Some Issues
I'm still doing what I was doing before I got saved, only now I just put in an extra $5 in my offering when I do it.

13. Is He Worthy?
Of course He is; why ask a question like that.

14. Let Us Go To God in Our Own Way:
This is what you say when they ask you to pray in church and you don't know what to say.

15. Get Ready, Get Ready, Get Ready!!!
Don't really know what this one means, but if you're not careful, a shout could break out when you say it. It must be said three times to have real impact.

16. I Can't Get No Help
Preachers say this when no one says amen in the spot they thought would get a lot of amens.

17. I'm Blessed and Highly Favored
Said when a fellow saint asks "how are you?" Memo to saints: you CAN be saved and answer "fine" when someone asks how are you.

18. Where The Spirit of The Lord is, There is liberty
Whenever you want to disrupt service and holler out when it's quiet, use this statement to justify your behavior.

19. Get Ready To Go To The Next Level
This means the church will be hosting another revival in a few months.

20. Stand To Your Feet
This gives the illusion that the preacher is finished, but be prepared to stand up for at least 1/2 hour. May be cut to 15 minutes if the organist starts to fade, playing softly.

21. Give God a Shabach
Scream to the top of your lungs. Some church members may blow whistles and wave flags as well.

22. Every Head Bowed, Every Eye Closed
Quick! Everyone look around to see who's getting saved again this week.

23. Secular
Any person, place, object or event that's not in the church.

24. The "Yes Lord" Song
Signals the official end to shout time. Anyone still shouting when this song is over is considered to be "in self".

25. In Self
Used to describe someone who acts alone in church. For example,
someone who is shouting alone. Add two more people to this display
and its called...

26. In The Spirit
When three people are doing the same thing in a church service at
the same time.

27. Prayer Partner
Phone buddy. Quick 5 minute prayer with 1 hour of church gossiping